Best Book (Title) Ever

Tuesday, January 13 2009 at 23:09 (Books, Daily Life, Pictures, Rants, Reviews) (, , , )

Unlike some people, I actually start to feel guilty when I haven’t written a blog in a few days, let alone a few weeks like some of my colleagues. Well, actually that might be a teensy bit of hyperbole. I think it’s just that the last few days have seemed much longer than they actually are, but not in a bad way, just… I don’t know. I think the conglomeration of upcoming exams, a new year, finally being sixteen and just the daunting idea of school in general is creating a substance not unlike honey that I am inexplicably trying to run through.
But obviously, one can’t run through honey. And they’d probably die of asphyxiation, and THEN all the water would pass out of one’s body through osmosis, leaving nothing left but crystallized Ben. Great in cakes, by the way.

I must say that life has proceeded fairly boringly normally over the past few days. Wait. No it hasn’t; I went to the London Boat Show hosted in ExCeL, I remember now. I might as well go straight into that.
I stayed up late on Friday, (which was fairly run-of-the-mill) because I thought I had the rest of the weekend to sleep it off, so I did dangerous things like read books. Early next morning, i forget exactly when, I was told that I had to get up and be ready in half an hour. Convinced that this was some kind of sick joke, I mumbled that it was Saturday and went back to sleep. Not long after that, my mother came in and shouted at me, then I went back to sleep again. At about the time we were meant to leave, I got up very quickly, pulled on some clothes and swallowed a breakfast whole before darting out and sitting in the car with a blanket and pillow.
Guess what I did next? Well, I closed my eyes and, um. Well. Next thing I knew we were in London.
Parking was fun; we cut it pretty fine in terms of spaces and so it took about twenty minutes to find one, and then we entered the show proper. We had several things to do: make a decision about some new upholstery on the boat, talk to various people, talk to other various people and then wander around looking at boats we couldn’t afford and buying things we didn’t really need. It started badly with my mother yet again deciding that she wasn’t sure about the upholstery fabric. We’ve been trying to make this decision for months, but she STILL wasn’t quite sure which one would look best. This saga proceeded for some time before we ran away to look at interesting stuff, buy stuff, and all the other things. We also visited an RNLI rescue boat, which was very interesting, and an anti-submarine warship (still in service) called the HMS Westminster, which has loads of big gunny things and was apparently also featured in Tomorrow Never Dies. Awesome. I bought some sailing gloves (pictured below) and I saw lots of expensive things that I really wanted for no apparent reason.

Me getting into a hammock too quickly for my mother to take a picture.

Me getting into a hammock too quickly for my mother to take a picture.

Me in the hammock looking, frankly, a bit evil.

Me in the hammock looking, frankly, a bit evil.

A photo of a boat to prove to my DT teacher that I was getting inspiration and not just goofing.

A photo of a boat to prove to my DT teacher that I was getting inspiration and not just goofing.

That’s a good point, actually. We met some jolly nice people (who made the boat above) and we talked to them about my project for a bit. The apprentice told me an anecdote about how NOT to combine kitesurfing kites and kayaks.

What I got out of the day. These are the Three Seasons variation of the Gill range of gloves.

What I got out of the day. These are the Three Seasons variation of the Gill range of gloves.

On the way back I went to sleep again, then we got a Chinese takeaway and I woke up, then I went back to sleep again.

Phnerm. The week hasn’t been bad so far. I’m sorry to admit that whilst I haven’t got around to reading any more of The Amulet of Samarkand and I haven’t got the next book in the CHERUB series yet (James Kellet – who is a wanker – has taken it out), BUT (and it’s a big but, and actually the namesake of this blog) I did find another book whilst flipping through the shelves. A book by Gideon Defoe, entitled ‘The Pirates! in an Adventure with Scientists‘.
AND endorsements by Eric Idle, Ardal O’Hanlon and Ben Schott?
The monkey with a monocle on the front sealed the deal. I didn’t care how crap this book was, it sounded awesome and I wanted it. In fact, I got it yesterday and I’ve already finished it, as the small hardback bears only around 150 pages, but it’s very clever and funny. People on the bus couldn’t understand why I was laughing at a book.
There’s one bit where some a captured pirate along with Charles Darwin’s younger brother are captured, along with a young woman who is put in a machine that turns young beauty into a facial scrub to the workings of the evil Bishop of Oxford, who talks about how he finds it hard to get women. The woman says “I doubt that funny little moustache is going to do you any favours,” and the Bishop replies, somewhat crossly, “It’s an evil moustache, not a gay moustache.”
You see? Brilliance.

Well, that’ll do for now. Toodle-oo.



  1. Chris said,

    Firstly, Do you really need to decide on the look of your boat upholstery? I mean, unless you have a boat party the only stuff you will need would be something that keeps it together instead of exploding out of the sides like an overly mayonnaise stuffed sandwich….
    I’m surprised you didn’t talk about school as much… I mean….. Like Drama and how bat-tard insane it is…..

  2. joethearachnid said,

    I talked about that in my last blog. I try not to write about the same thing all the time, as *certain* people complain.

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